a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I think i got beer on your cat.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
