i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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