She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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