Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
