just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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