So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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