It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
