I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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