Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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