Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
