Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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