Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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