I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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