I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
