I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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