You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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