dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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