You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
