my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
