there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
