you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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