i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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