I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You're a waste of cheezeits
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
