Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize