they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
