Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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