Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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