I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
