She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
