I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize