look no pants
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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