textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
