Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
