I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
