Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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