so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
