I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
4 words: hood of his car
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
