ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
