The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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