I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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