when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
