He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
