i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
