Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
