Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
