I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Is it penis luge time yet?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
