her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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