remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
