im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i love accidental penises.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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