I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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