btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
