i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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