Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
